When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
