i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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