I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
