Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just googled if crying burns calories
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
