you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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