EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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