Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
