Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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