i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
