I think my vagina is haunted
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
