a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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