Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
