Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
