Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
