Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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