I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
false alarm. still invincible.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
