we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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