Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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