Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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