Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
