Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
