we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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