Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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