I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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