I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
