awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
