I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
