These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
