Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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