listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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