You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
