Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
