There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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