in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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