Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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