I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
