Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
