wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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