does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
