Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
