I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
