Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
