you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
