if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
