ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
