I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
