Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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