normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
