To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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