All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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