Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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